A bit of my background
The truth is that as a child, I was always a very affectionate and confident girl. I come from one
quite dysfunctional family in which my parents exceeded the punishments imposed on us
my brother and me, my brother paid with me and, in turn, disrespected each other
themselves (in fact, on more than one occasion it was I who intervened to stop the situation).
Years later, when he was about 13 years old, they ended up divorcing in an unspoilt way
(my mother took advantage of the newly implemented law against gender violence to benefit
of divorce) and, finally, my custody was in your hands. My father literally abandoned me
and, overnight, I felt that I had lost all my paternal family. Also, how was it?
plump, I suffered bullying at school and the situation with my brother was not the most ideal since,
He used to pay his frustrations with me.
Abuse
I do not remember when it was the first time, but I do remember that it was a situation that was repeated every time we went on an excursion to the family (in a picnic mode). Every time we went to the mountain, an uncle of mine took the opportunity to be alone with me and touched me in parts where no one should be touched without their consent. With the passage of time, I became aware of the situation that had practically normalized and, every time the summers arrived, it was repeated. I tried to talk to my mother, but the only thing I found was her rejection and denial of the situation, so, little by little I was separating myself from the family in order not to have to live this situation anymore (to this day, continue trying to corner me, but I'm not afraid anymore and I'm able to anticipate their actions).
The rest of the abuses I've experienced have been from my partners ...
The first time it happened to me, I was 18 years old and I don't remember if I had just returned from work or had to work, but I do know that I was tired and I fell asleep when I fell into bed. The next thing I remember is that he was on top of me forcing me and, all I could think about was not shouting because his parents were at home and it would be a very awkward situation besides trying to get him off him. In the end, I gave up and thought that if I stayed still it would end faster. The following situation happened when my partner returned from a drunk party.
Finally, the escape I found to all this was to go to study outside, as far as possible from my home because of the toxic environment there was and, from my ex-partners, who became obsessed with me (I was unable to go out for coffee anymore that, every time I crossed with them they followed me).
My passage through a Mutual Assistance Group (GAM)
When I met what a GAM was, I was totally lost. For years, I stopped all previous experiences and that took my toll at all levels of my life. I had anorexia, after bulimia, several suicide attempts and, finally, I fell into a rather severe depression. Thanks to a friend, I attended a talk in Donosti about Chrysalis and it was a gift from God. I remember that, it was like seeing a light at the end of the tunnel where I felt I was a long time ago.
It helped me to understand that I am not a victim, but a survivor. Let's see that, I have rights and that I can and should apply them. That, regardless of whether they believe me or not, that situation has happened and has been something real and I don't have to deny it or feel bad about talking about what happened. Because I'm not a liar or a manipulator. That I can continue moving forward in my life without the wound being open. That, sometimes, it can hurt, but it is no longer my present, but my past and, as such, is part of my history, but does not define it.
But, especially, that it was not my fault and that, whatever I did, dressed as I wore, I did not ask or encourage anyone to do that. Because a girl doesn't know what that is. Because when you sleep you don't choose that and, above all, because a no is always a no.
I learned that, although sometimes it seems that everything is dark, there is always a light that can help us out. That, even if it seems that your whole world has collapsed, you can get up and walk again and build your life. I learned that I am brave and strong.
He helped me out on the street without fear and looked up again. To be me again, to laugh without fear and dress my way again. To live my life and rebuild it step by step. And, above all, that even in the worst days, I can keep moving forward.
So, with a lot of work and wonderful support, it helped me stop seeing myself as a victim and seeing myself as an Amazon. That bad days are not so bad and that being me again is fully a reality. It helped me not to be afraid, not only of my aggressors, but of men in general, in fact, when I entered the GAM I was unable to approach Joel or Santos without feeling very uncomfortable.
I'm still growing
To this day, I keep fighting with the anger and sadness that this whole situation has generated in me. For example, because of the environment in which I move (industrial) I have to face many difficult situations because I am a woman and, certainly, I am now able to face them (which is a very big step), but I continue to work because, I think a It never stops growing.
I have returned to attend family gatherings and I have been able to confront any situation with my uncle in a civilized way and without being frozen, but I am still struggling with the anxiety that comes from attending any family event in which he is.
I still struggle with the discomfort that certain profiles of men can produce, generally, those that resemble my aggressors. I also continue to work my self-esteem since, I am not worth based on my physique or how desired it may or may not be, in the end, it is I who define myself (and obviously God who created me like this).
Finally, I would like to tell you, that you read this that, if you have experienced a family situation, do not despair. You are not alone. It is not your fault and your truth is real. They don't define you, you are stronger than you think. And, above all, fight, because you are no longer a victim, you are an Amazon.
Miriam