Grandparents don't do those things, a girl told me when I asked her. That's how I found out that the things my grandfather did to me, that I didn't like,
which hurt, they were not something you do to your granddaughters.
I don't remember, when was the first time, I don't know if I remember all of them, but what I do know is that the ones I remember, I remember them perfectly.
Every rape, every touch, every disgusting kiss he gave me on my mouth, when he told me to take his penis and move my hand, my little girl's hand, on a grown man's penis, every time I think about it, I die of disgust
But he was not the only one, he was the one who lasted the longest.
The second assailant took his little sister and me for a walk. He sat his sister down next to her and while he was raping me, she was watching all the time. This makes me think that she was also a victim of him, that she was, even just by looking at it. With the third aggressor I was 8 years old and he was about 16, I agreed, in exchange for him giving me some things, at that time, I thought that was normal, since I can remember, I lived it in my flesh. My two cousins, who later turned their backs on me, were there, watching the scene.
My grandfather stopped when I was 12 years old, I already had my period and my little body was more similar to that of a woman, than that of a girl, which he probably didn't like anymore. Degenerate…
At the age of 16, I already believed that everything had passed, I slept with many men, with anyone who gave me some attention. I passed from hand to hand, I was the 16-year-old whore, who everyone liked to screw. That's how I met the fourth assailant. I thought we had some kind of relationship, but it wasn't like that, he just wanted to screw me. That one day I didn't want to. He was a muscular boy, who did not take no for an answer, he pulled down my pants and began to rape me, I told him to stop, that I did not want to, and he hurt me. His answer to me was, that I was liking it, that he could see it in my face expression. When he finished, he gave me a kiss, and he told me that he had had a great time, I just wanted to die. It had been my “fault”, now you cope with it, I said to myself.
At the age of 17, I was already going crazy, constantly, constant suicidal ideas were in my mind, I made marks on my arms, I sat by the window and started smoking my first joints. Finally, after a call to my grandfather's house, telling my mother that I was never going to see him again, that I didn't want him at all, I plucked up the courage and told her, only about my grandfather. My mother, logically, told my father, he was the son of my aggressor, I will never forget the face of my father, going white. His own father, who in his childhood, made him go through hell (he was an aggressive father, manipulative and cruel), had done such a horrible thing to his own daughter. From that day on, he was never the same again. Almost the whole family turned their back on us, and the entire village community too. They criticized me, they pointed their fingers at me sayiing: "look at that one, what she is doing to his poor grandfather, what a liar, she is imagining her own movie, she just wants money, what a shameless person...
The rest of my life, were disasters, bad decisions, some hits and a life full of trauma, meeting the wrong people.
Tired of giving explanations, of hiding part of my life, I started looking for associations that would help victims of child sexual abuse, that's how I met "Crisálida". In there everyone understands me. We've all gone through the same. I don't have to give explanations. It's incredible, being able to meet people who really understand you, I found my place, with people I admire and love. There is still a long way to go, but it is easier, doing it together. I had never considered being an activist on this issue, on our issue, of so many people. Now I want to help other people to see the signs so that boys and girls stop suffering these horrible things that kill you in life.
Now we are a big family, where we support each other, help each other, advise each other...
Thank you "Crisalida" for being the glue, that has achieved this union, that has given me hope and the tools, for changing my point of view on many things.
Vanessa